I'm No Superman

10 Years Later...

2010-11-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

You knew I'd blog about it the first minute I had. I was waiting for the alcohol to leave my system and my brain to process everything.

It's been a long time since we've been together where alcohol was involved. I think because when there's that much, we lose control. And if there's one thing we both hate, it's losing control, especially around each other. I tried to play it cool last night, to steer clear of you, not bring up the past. I mean you're married now, you have a life that's completely separate from me. But it was you who started it, it was you who instigated it. You kissed me. And although you said it meant nothing, I think you're lying. You pulled that card when we were teenagers and yet here we are again. I think the Latin phrase is true, "in vino est veritas". "In wine there is truth." You've always been the most truthful and honest with me when you've had a few drinks. Not necessarily drunk but enough to loosen you up. You see for me, it's always been you but I somehow forgot that in a lot of ways, for you, it has always been me. I'm the one person who you knew would love you no matter what. I would always come to your rescue. I was willing to do anything, to be...anything, for you. I've tried to fight it and I've tried to ignore it but I can't. And what's worse is you know I can't, but you bait me anyways. It's funny because I should be mad at you but I'm not. You reacted exactly how I thought you would. And as nice as it was, I know you.

And you always were a coward...

Wedding Day Blues

2010-10-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

It's 11:05pm on October 16th, 2010. (2:05am your time) By now you've already walked down the aisle, said your "I do's" and are probably starting your honeymoon. I spent all day trying to distract myself, the gym, a play, a drink...anything to keep my mind off of it. But all I can do is sit here, listening to the same song over and over again while drinking a vodka soda. On the plus side at least it's finally over. On the bad side, I feel just like I did the night you texted me to tell me you were engaged. It hurts, because I still feel like, it should've been me...

But sometimes we have to let things go, no matter how much we love them. And it's in those moments we realize, that sometimes,

It's just not meant to be...

Chicken or Beef?

2010-08-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

You know it's funny, I was at work today and I was trying to grab a Werther's out of the candy jar and instead I found a Rolo. Now, I haven't had one of those in awhile. When I saw it though, all I could think of was you. I moved it between my fingers and stared at it a couple of minutes, then stuck it in my desk and went back to work.

Earlier I was recounting a story to my mom about us and last night I was explaining to a friend who you were in my life. It's like the world has conspired against me to think about you non-stop for the last few days and I know why. Hell, I've been dreading it the last few weeks. It's a sad thing when you look back and remember what might have been or even what should've been, whether that be the love of your life slipping away, or a friendship lost.

When I got home today I opened my mailbox. And as if my day couldn't get any worse, there it was. Dramatic as it sounds, it was the only piece of mail in there. I debated whether or not to open it, wondered if I could. I did everything I could to distract myself from it., but it just kept staring at me from the coffee table, so finally I had to do it. It was just as I'd expected, simple but elegant.

What makes this even more funny is I've been trying to write our story, but I can never quite figure out the ending. I know what I wanted to have happen and I know what would happen in reality but I can never meld those together to make a believable ending. Maybe now I can.

Once again, I sit here with a drink in my hand, a vodka gimlet on the rocks to be exact, wondering two things. One, would I still be the girl I am now, had I never kissed you? And two...

...chicken or beef?

Sleepless Nights...

2010-08-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Who am I? Who are you? When did the future become the present? When did my dreams become reality? When did I lose my naivete, my innocence? Will I ever get it back? Do I want it back? Which brings us back to the first question.

...Who am I?

I Want The Fairytale

2010-06-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

So, it's done. The wedding has come and gone and here I stand. I don't know what I feel. I mean I'm happy for her, I really am. But I can't lie, it was a little bittersweet, and I was a bit jealous. But not for the reasons you'd think. Mostly because she found what I've been searching for my whole life, true love. That deliriously happy, only found in fairytales, kind of love. That running through the rain to catch someone, standing on top of a coffee cart, holding a boombox outside someone's window kinda love. Something I thought I saw in her and me, or me and RM, or me and MT. It's funny to me because like she said in her vows "she never believed in love at first sight." She's right, she never did, "until she met her wife." That was her soulmate. I felt it when she first told me about her and how they were just new friends and again when she told me they were dating. I always knew she'd marry her, and after I met this girl, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. They were made for each other. I want that, I want to be made for someone. I want to WANT to put someone other than myself and my job first. I want to WANT to be willing to give it all up for love.

When I was driving to the wedding I kept asking myself what I'd do if I showed up and she changed her mind. If she told me she wanted to be with me or wanted me to stay an extra day for us to figure out some stuff, would I stay? And every time, no matter how I looked at it, I always said "no." Even if it was clear I'd end up with her, I always said no and got on that plane. I always chose MM and my career. I never chose her. I knew right then, that she wasn't "the one," she never was. I always write and preach fairytale love and happy endings and sacrificing for love but I never actually do it. I want to feel something like that. I don't know that I ever have. I think I thought I did but I never actually have.

I just want what she has. A was right, I can only live on the "day-to-day" girls for so long. Eventually it'll blow up in my face. I seem to be walking a fine line these days and I'm not sure how to snap out of it.

You know, as much shit as I gave her, I don't think I gave A enough credit. She was one of the first girls I've met out here that I could be the "real" me with. I never realized how important that was...

Until now.

Boston or Vegas?

2010-05-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

It's May 10th and I find myself contemplating whether or not I should get some friends together and hit Vegas for a weekend, or go to a friend's wedding. Normally the answer would be simple, I'd go to the wedding right? But not this time. This time the wedding is for a very close ex. She's a close friend and I love her dearly but I can't quite decide if I should go through the hassle of going to the wedding.

On the one hand I do want to go and I also feel like I should go, that I'll regret it if i don't. But on the other hand I don't want to go through all the BS of traveling and red-eyes, and security screenings, and dress shopping, and shoe shopping, etc all for one day. But I would get to see the munchkin as well as be there for one of my closest friends.

She said that she'd understand if I couldn't make it but she would be sad if I wasn't there.

I'm so torn...

I was finally able to watch "Whip It" today...

2010-05-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

and that's how I knew, I'm finally getting over you.

And boy am I glad because I've really been wanting to watch that movie again. lol.

It's Never Too Late To Recycle...Or Is It?

2010-04-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

So, my buddy Tates and I moved into this place in Studio City not too long ago and about a month ago I was on hiatus, which meant I was home every day and keeping really strange hours.

Anyways, one night I was in my bedroom and it was about 1:30am. I was sorta drifting off to sleep and I heard the clinking of cans outside my window. Now the way my apt bldg is set up my window faces someone's backyard/driveway. So I'm listening to these cans and bottles clinking and a plastic bag rustling, and I'm like "WTF?" I get up and push my blinds aside so I can see what the hell is going on. It's someone sorting cans and bottles. Naturally I assumed it was a homeless person but there's no way whoever lives in that house wouldn't have heard this guy, so I'm guessing he lives there.

At this point I just can't deal with it so I close the blinds and get back in bed and put my earbuds in and crank my iPod up as loud as I can without causing permanent damage. I wake up around 8ish to the sound of clinking bottles. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!! WHO THE FUCK SORTS BOTTLES AND CANS AT 8AM?!! THAT"S ALMOST 7 HRS!!! Oh and did I mention that the sound bottles and cans make clinking together is like nails on a chalkboard to me, so I definitely wasn't pleased. I told my roommate about it but he heard nothing. This went on for a couple of days. Finally I started drinking myself to sleep so I just passed out.

Oh we're not done yet people because this story gets even better. This past weekend I went out of town and while I was away my roommate heard someone talking outside his window, which also faces the same yard. He looked out his blinds to find a man talking to himself rather loudly. He didn't say anything to the guy but apparently it went on for a few hours.

When I got home from work yesterday, I heard someone arguing out my back window. I opened my blinds to see what the fuss was and it was that weird dude, whom I've now dubbed with the nickname "Crazy Can Man". Crazy Can Man was having a full-on argument...WITH HIMSELF!! We're talking hand gestures, head bobbing, everything. When he started to turn to look at my window I ducked down for fear that he'd see me and then try to break in and murder me. (I watch a lot of Unsolved Mysteries...)

But there is a moral to this story and I'm coming to it. Even though Crazy Can Man is probably schizophrenic, he's got the right idea. It's never too late to recylce...

Musings From A Drunk

2010-03-28T00:34:00.001-07:00

It's hard to move on and it's hard to let go but we do what we have to, otherwise we'd stop being alive...

The last 3 weeks I haven't been alive. I've been a shadow of myself, a ghost of who I used to be. I spent most of it intoxicated, as the pathetic version of me who pines away like a lovesick schoolgirl, waiting for a happy ending. I can't keep doing that. You really are gone.

Yes I know what yesterday was, or what it would've been, even if you've forgotten. (you never were good with dates. ;-) It's funny to think of how we celebrated. You getting wasted and me...well, actually I did the same thing.

You think you know me, that my behavior as of late has shown my true colors, that maybe I don't care anymore, maybe I never did. But you'd be wrong to make those assumptions, because I did care.

I still do...

Middle Of Nowhere

2010-03-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I was on the balcony at this bar downtown and I was staring at the moon. It was this awesome crescent shape just shining down at me, and I wondered if she could see it too? It made me think of the time she brought me to this spot in Santa Monica. It had this weird tower thing and a playground.

I remember she didn't have an exact address nor did she completely remember where it was so we just kept driving around the West Side trying to find it. It was late like 1030/11 o'clock and we just kept turning down side streets until she finally found it. Haha, it was hilarious. When we got there I had no idea what we were doing, only that it was freezing outside and this crazy girl wanted me to follow her to a deserted area and climb up this weird metal structure. Of course I followed, I mean I couldn't let her get kidnapped, even if she was a total nutbag. As we climbed the stairs she took my hand as if to reassure me and made sure I ducked my head since I was so tall. We got to the top and she sat down and pulled me down next to her, and we just sat there, looking at the stars, at the moon, at everything. If that wasn't good enough, she kissed me. Just like in the movies where you have a first kiss on a romantic star-filled sky. It was one of my favorite nights.

I'd sort of forgotten about it until I saw that moon last night. Looking at the moon made me think of something else too though. It made me wonder if she ever thinks of me too? I know the answer now but I didn't then and perhaps that's why I ran after her in the theatre or even why I went to see her last night. (like me) She's so closed off about everything that I had to see it for myself. I had to know the truth.

I'm not sure that I know any more now than I did before but I have a little bit of an idea. I can't change the things I said or the things I've done. All I can do is give her some time and some space to figure out how to navigate through this minefield we call a friendship. Easier said than done.

I have no idea how to be "just friends" with someone I've dated. It's hard and painful and makes me anxious but it's harder trying to think of life without her. It's harder trying to fill my days with activities and people all so I won't think about her.

Let's be honest, there are just things that I can only do with her, things I can't do with my other friends. (not that dirty people. lol) For instance, who's gonna go out to eat Pho with me? Who's gonna watch New Moon with me and all the bonus features? Who's going to wanna go get pinkberry at 10 o'clock at night? Who's gonna help me find new music? Who's not gonna think it's weird when I say I'm marathoning OTH or Dawson's or The O.C. instead of going outside? Most importantly, who's going to go with me to Olive Garden? (lol)

What I'm getting at, is despite all the teen angst and fighting and general GIRL craziness(yes I said girls are CRAZY) that went on, I had so much fun with her and I miss that. I want that back.

I need it back.

"You Want To Know The Truth About The Truth? It Hurts, So We Lie"

2010-03-21T03:24:00.001-07:00

So true Meredith Grey, the truth does hurt, God does it ever...

You know it's funny, as I was driving home I wondered if I'd made a mistake by coming over? I wondered if I'd made another "bad decision". But the more I think about it, the answer is a firm "NO". You see a mistake would've been if I'd kissed you or slept with you.

I looked at you and yes I got caught up in the moment at times but the truth is only in a sentimental, "remember when we...?" sorta way. You asked me a lot of questions tonight and I answered as many as I could and dodged the ones I didn't want to answer. You were so strong-willed and I think my behavior at times was more about trying to tempt you to prove I could rather than me actually wanting you. (sorry to disappoint)

I think if I'd seen you last week I probably would've been doing it for the reasons I'm sure you'd want me to, but the more I looked at you tonight the more I just wanted us to get past this crazy uncomfortable part so we could be friends again. I meant what I said, I just want things to go back to "normal" for us.

Yes there are feelings there and yes there might always be, but I'm capable of trying to be friends, however I'm not sure you are. You told me "I don't know how to be friends with you when you're in love with me." First off let's take your ego down a notch and get right to it. I think it's more like "YOU don't know how to be friends with me when YOU still have feelings for me." I'm not saying what those feelings are, love, nostalgia, like, security, etc... Your questions proved it all. Yes you'd been drinking and yes your judgement was slightly impaired but we both know "in vino est veritas". ("in wine there is truth") You asked questions you've been worrying about and thinking about for a few days. You're jealous, I get that. But you don't get to be. You walked away and whether or not I think it was the right decision for you to make (I do) you still don't get to be jealous because it was your choice.

Here's what you need to understand A. Yes I still care for you and yes I still think about "us" (it's only been 2 weeks for gooodness sake!) but I can admit it. I can flat out say what my feelings are. Youuuuu, want to be friends but you can't. You want me to sleep with her but you don't. You want me to still want you and be jealous but then you don't because you want me to be happy. Make up your mind, please. You say I make it all black and white and yeah I do but only because your shades of grey are what destroy us.

I could come over and be totally content hanging out with you and your roomie, but I'm not sure you can do that yet. You make yourself numb so you can be "the strong one" or the one who "doesn't make the same mistake twice" but I think that's the real mistake. You should try feeling something and actually trusting me to do the right thing for once. I have been known to do it from time-to-time. You mistake the fact that I care for you, for stupidity and an inability to do what's necessary. You may not believe me and you don't have to but if you'd tried to kiss me tonight I would've done the right thing, I would've pulled away. I don't feel that kind of affection for you anymore.

Yes I know what I said about her and all that stuff and that all holds true but not because of you, because of her. Because she deserves better than what you got from me. She deserves better than being a rebound for my failed relationships. I won't make a "bad decision" with her. I learned that lesson from you...

Aren't you proud?...

Truth or Dare

2010-03-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

So where were we? Oh right, walking down "the path". This all sounds very biblical doesn't it? haha.

So last night I must've been sending myself subliminal messages because my dream kinda picked up where we left off. Well not exactly where we left off but definitely in that direction.

I don't know how I got there but when I opened my eyes I was running through the streets of Boston trying to get to R.M.'s old apartment in JP. I didn't know why but I was dressed up so I assumed it was for something fancy. When I got up the stairs and crashed through the doors I entered a large hallway which led to a ballroom where I heard voices.

When I rounded the corner I knew where I was. It was R.M's wedding. I couldn't see her face. No matter how hard I tried something was always blocking me. But I saw her dress. It was this beautiful light green. I scanned the crowd and saw everyone there. Walsh, Lisa, Samantha..everyone, except Shanny. But that didn't surprise me. As I stood there listening to them say their vows I became lost in a trance. The Snow Patrol song "Chasing Cars" began playing and everything started moving in this weird slow motion montage. It was like I wasn't even there.

I tagged out for a moment and awoke to find my bedroom was shaking...a tiny earthquake. With nothing to worry about I fell back to sleep.

When I returned, I was back in the room but I'd missed quite a bit. The happy couple were having their first kiss as man and wife. The crowd was clapping and that damn Snow Patrol song was still playing!! R.M. decided now was the time for her to throw the bouquet. She threw it and I can't remember who caught it but I remember just standing there while the crowd applauded.

The happy couple started to leave. I followed with them on the other side of the pews. At this point I figured I was just there as an observer. Like in the movies where no one can see you, you're just there to watch.

I made my way to edge of the crowd and watched her kiss and hug everyone goodbye. I couldn't bear to see anymore so I started to cross the street. With "Chasing Cars" still playing in the background I turned around one more time, to get one last look at her. To my surprise she turned around too. We locked eyes. I didn't dare move a muscle for fear that she'd disappear or maybe she'd be mad at me for showing up late, or for showing up at all.

But then, she smiled at me. A smile I hadn't seen in years. And it dawned on me, she was happy and I was genuinely happy for her.

As I watched her disappear into the limo and drive away I was brought back to that fateful night that put this all in motion. That night that lives on in my memories and has changed me in the most irrevocable of ways.

Me:Truth or Dare?

R:Truth.

Me:If I kissed you right now, what would you do?

R:(long pause) I don't know...

I closed my eyes and leaned in to kiss her for the last time. When I pulled back and opened my eyes she was gone and I was awake in my bed, alone. While I tried to process what just happened, I heard the end of "Chasing Cars" playing faintly on my laptop.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

I Hope They Have Road Signs In Purgatory

2010-03-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. It was weird because it was legit me just walking around in a daze. No matter how far I walked or where I walked I never got anywhere. Prophetic much? (haha)

Anyways I just kept walking in circles. I was looking for something. I didn't know what it was at first. It was like I knew but I'd forgotten and it was always at the tip of my tongue. So I walked and walked and ran and followed "signs." It occurred to me that these "signs" were all so similar. They were leading me to a person, a girl of course but I didn't know which one.

Finally, I came to what seemed to be a 4-way stop and depending on which way I chose I would find one of you. After all this time and all my supposed "progress" I still didn't know which way to go, which path to choose. If I went straight I'd find the girl who set me on this path in the first place, the one who made me into who I am today. If I went left I'd find the girl who helped me realize my dreams of writing and music and inspired me to pursue them. If I went back the way I came I'd just continue to be lost and alone. But if I went right, I'd find you, my dopelganger in every way but just too young. So many choices, so many mistakes and missed opportunities...but here was my chance to see what my life would be like if I'd chosen differently, correctly.

As I stood there feeling confused and powerless, it began to rain. I sat down on the ground, and as i felt the rain pelt my face and soak through my coat, I still couldn't move. I knew I had to make a decision soon. 2 of you have rings on your fingers and those trips down the aisle are fast approaching. And if I'm to be there to share those special days with you I have to know. What did our future hold before I chose the paths we're on? Where did it lead? And If I'd chosen differently would we still be here?

I stared in each direction, willing my mind to make a choice. I didn't care which one at this point I just needed something to drive me, something to make me continue, a reason. Before I could choose you appeared. You were a bit older but even more beautiful than you are now. Naturally, I hit on you because even in my dreams I'm a womanizer. You shook your head and laughed and told me it was time to begin.

I was confused by your comment and asked you to elaborate. You didn't. You just smiled and gestured toward the 4-way intersection. The Phish song "Secret Smile" began to play and I knew things were about to get trippy. I stared at you and then at the paths before me and inferred that I wasn't supposed to choose one, I was supposed to follow all 4. I realized something else in that moment as well. "This isn't to help me choose is it?" "No. The choices have already been made, the outcome decided. This is to help you make sense of it all, to move forward so as not to waste another 10 years of your life waiting for the Gods to grant you a do-over. There are no do-overs in life."

I was afraid. You sounded like a fuckin' fortune cookie! You could see I was freaking out and you took my hands and said, "trust me, Cort", before you disappeared. It's not one of my strong suits but despite all that has happened, you've always told me the truth, even when you probably should've held back. You always tell me the truth. You've never lied to me. So I did. I began walking down the 1st path, with that song still playing in the background like I was in a movie or something.

I didn't know what I would see but I knew you, and that was enough...

Third Acts And Loose Ends...

2010-03-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

I fell asleep last night with my computer. Not that that's different from any other night but...anyways I was dreaming, about you I think. I'm not sure. I mean, I never saw your face but I felt your presence and I could smell your scent. You always did smell good. As I was walking through this misty, foggy place I heard the faint chime of my gchat. It kept dinging, incessantly. I tried to ignore it but it was so insistent. As I struggled to open my eyes and fiddle with the trackpad to pull my gmail screen up, my vision was still blurry and I could barely make out your name. As my eyes began to focus I couldn't believe it was you. I practically froze right there. I was sure I'd missed you but you kept writing, not knowing I was there and thinking you were alone.

When I finally responded you seemed shocked to say the least. I don't think you expected me to answer and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I should have. Don't get me wrong, I'd been waiting for days for you to initiate a convo with me and here it was. But I knew it'd probably make things difficult for me. But I also knew if I didn't respond I'd be just as sad if not more; for all I've really wanted these past few days was to talk to you. I didn't care what it was about. I just wanted to talk to my A-bomb. I know, I know you're not mine anymore, maybe you never were.

When I realized you wanted to talk and I saw my phone light up I hesitated to answer it. I was so nervous. Like you, I was worried about saying the wrong thing or upsetting you. We've been in this constant state of fear the last few months that neither of us knew/knows what's appropriate anymore. As I picked up the phone and heard your voice, a smile played across my lips and I could hardly contain myself. I felt like I could breathe again. The breathing only lasted a second seeing as I then launched into a lame-ass panic attack. (God can I be any more dramatic? lol)

After my freak out we actually got to talk and joke and laugh. You laughed A, I finally got to hear your laugh again and as cheesy as this sounds I couldn't have been happier. :-) But in addition to your laughter, I also heard you cry. And even though it's good to know you miss me, I hate that you're hurting. As much as it sucks, I can still read you and last night you were "guarded." (to use your word) I know why and you should be.

I asked you if you were scared of us being friends again and me being in your life again as your friend and you said "no." You posed the same question to me and I said yes but I couldn't elaborate. I had to sleep on it, to think about my answer, to figure out what it was I was really afraid of and this is what I've come up with...

I'm scared that I might always love you. I'm scared that I'll always want to touch you when we're around each other, that when I sit next to you I'll brush my hand up against yours and not be able to think clearly. I'm scared that I'll always want to kiss you, that I'll look at you and not be able to look away because you are so beautiful. I'm scared that I'll always want you and that no one will ever be able to replicate the way I felt when we were together like that. I've been with my share of girls, that is true, but none of them were like you, it was different with you. It was like my first time all over again and for that I will always be grateful to you. You gave me something I'd lost, the ability to love and to be loved by someone else. R.M. stole that from me years ago and even though I've had gf's since my encounter with her, I've never really let myself go. You were the only one who got close. We are the same, so much so that you know me better than I know myself.

Despite my behavior and my age and my experience I've never had a completely functional relationship. I've always had girls who I made out with or crazy gf's whose idea of love was arguing and picking fights and chasing after me and making me chase them. They fed into my hero complex and wanted me to rescue them. So in all honesty I guess I thought that's how it was supposed to be, that's how you proved your love. Which is stupid I know but it's what I know. I was worried that my behavior had proven to me that I hadn't changed, that after all these years I was exactly the same. But that's not true. Last night's convo and yesterday's gchat showed me that I'm not. The old me would've stuck to her guns and stayed out of your life, no matter how much it would hurt me. Not talking to you last week and listening to your voice last night I just... losing your friendship was not a price I was willing to pay.

I can pretend that I could live without you A, and I will if I have to but... You're my best friend here and I want you back. Yes I still love you, that's apparent from this teen angst ridden love letter I just wrote. (lol) but I know we don't work and I'd rather have your friendship than nothing at all.

I know you're trying to find yourself here and learn who you are without me and I respect that. I want you to have that. I want you to have everything you've ever wanted, everything you've ever dreamed of. I don't want to stand in the way of that. But if in your travels you have some time to stop, I hope you think of me for a moment and know that I will always be there for you. No matter where life takes us, or who we're with, nothing will ever break the bond we formed so quickly. (despite my protestations to the contrary when I'm angry. :p)

I knew when I first met you there was something. You said the same thing. Whether that "something" was bffls or something more intimate, I can't say.

Only time will tell and fate will lead the way...

Off The Wagon

2010-03-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I was a bit too hasty in my last post. Perhaps I was to blame a little bit more. Perhaps I was just an idiot, I don't know...

You know, it's been awhile since I've really broken up with someone, like seriously broke up. Not just stopped screwing someone. It feels exactly how I remember it when I was back in high school. Like someone reached into your chest and started squeezing your heart until you couldn't breathe. I feel like a lifetime movie. I'm eating cake and not exercising at all (which is totally unlike me when i'm on hiatus). I'm watching hours and hours of television and not leaving my room. I've only left a couple of times and that was under duress per a friend's gentle insistence. I'm listening to sappy emo music on repeat. Just my luck Lifehouse came out with a new album the day before we broke up. At least I have that. lol.

Today was the worst I think because it's been a week and now I've fallen off the proverbial wagon. I haven't showered now for 2 days. I can't bear to even go outside. I always thought I was invincible and no girl could get to me again. I mean even if she did it wouldn't mean anything but I'm starting to think I was wrong. I underestimated how much you got under my skin. Even M.N. noticed you did. There's a reason you did and I wish I'd just accepted that.

You know last week when you asked me what I wanted, I was so proud, so stubborn in that moment that I just kept telling you what YOU thought. (or at least what I thought you thought) And I wonder, had I just been honest with you in that moment might things be different? I keep wondering where my last chance was and I'm starting to realize that that was it. I was just too stubborn to see it.

God what the hell happened to me? Breaking up was the right thing to do to stop the fighting because that was gonna drive us over the edge, but I'm starting to wonder if not having you in my life anymore was worth the price. Not getting to hang out with you or call you. Wondering if I'm allowed to im you or email you or if it's too soon or what. Not being able to hold you at night or to kiss you on the forehead when you're upset. Not being able to listen to you yammer on 5 miles an hour about whatever hypochodriac problem is plaguing you that day. (lolol) Not being able to joke with you or laugh with you. God I do miss your laugh.

The thing that sux the most, that makes this all even harder, is that I think I may have lost one of my best friends out here. I know you say you want to start over and be friends again and blah blah blah but the bond that I formed with you, the friendship we made, in my mind, may never return, at least not the way it was.

And for that I am truly sorry...

Another One Bites The Dust...

2010-03-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

If I had to pinpoint when things went awry, I guess I'd have to say we'd always been at odds. We never agreed on anything and we both always had to be right. We fought constantly and questioned each other at every turn. I guess I should've known then that this was a bad idea.

Well 5 months has passed and here we are again. Well at least we tried. It didn't work but we tried, at least there's that.

I wish I could go on, that I could say more but for once I've got nothing left to say. For once I'm at a loss...

My Hero

2009-12-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

I came home to Boston a few days ago and it's weird how everything is different but yet still the same. Everyone has grown up so much but when we all get together it's like we're still in high school just with a better fashion sense. I came home with the intentions of doing a few things and I've taken care of just about everything I needed to, talked to the people I needed to and steered clear of the people I shouldn't see.

Since this is probably my last entry of 2009 I'm trying to think of something interesting or pertinent to say about my life. Or perhaps show what I've learned about myself this past year. I guess the two most important things that have changed in me are due in part to the same person. First and foremost I've learned how to be an adult, how to start taking responsibility for my own life. It's taken me a long time to do this. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm coddled or maybe it's sheer laziness on my part. Whatever the reason I've learned that it's unacceptable and I have the means and the intelligence to take care of myself.

The second thing I learned is that I can feel something for another human being again without it completely taking over my life. I can be happy with her and without her. I can have my life and also let her be a part of it. My happiness isn't dependant upon her, it's just enhanced by being with her. She changed me, made me a better version of myself. She's a mix of M.V. and S.M. She is the superhero of girlfriends.

So those are the 2 things I learned this year...

That and I guess I do "sleepovers" now. :-)

Thinking is Stupid

2009-11-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew what my future held. I wish I wasn't constantly surprised by people or the things they do. I wish I'd never given in to you. I wish we'd never met. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face and say "self, don't do this. It's a bad idea and you know it. She's not ready. She's a newbie and newbies are never good. They're scared and confused. They're convinced they're not like you when in fact they are. They run from the obvious and push away the truth. Stay away from her self!! Stay away!!"

But I can't go back and I can't pretend none of it ever happened. It did happen and I'm paying for that mistake dearly. I'm laying outside on the patio in the sun with a hoodie covering my head and wishing I had my sunglasses so I could further hide from the world. What happened to me? When did I become such a pussy? Did you make me weak? I think you did. How is it possible to go from being so happy and content to feeling like utter shit? I'm sad and angry. I miss you and I hate you. I want to be your friend and I wish I'd never met you. I feel like a fucking schizophrenic. I'm dreading tomorrow because I know we have to see each other and pretend like everything's hunky dory and then at the end of the day go home alone and pretend we don't miss each other.

It's been a week since we broke up and clearly I'm spiraling. I will recover though and I will go back to my life, I always do. But what about you? What will your life hold? Will you continue to pretend? Not just with me but with everyone. Will you continue to act like you're doing this for my own good and that you don't feel anything when we're together?

I guess my real question is, when will you stop thinking so much and start living your life? I know you're thinking I should be saying the same thing to myself and I am. My answer to that is, I thought I already was...

Serendipity

2009-10-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know when it happened, when my life finally started to make sense. I feel like I'm actually moving through life with a purpose. My job matters, I matter. I'm an important part of someone's life again. They miss me when I'm not around and I miss them. It's weird.

When I came back from the wedding I was all fucked up. M ruined me. She ruined me 5 years ago and then she ruined me again. It was like I couldn't breathe but then I came back to LA and the newbie was there waiting for me. M told me I liked newbie that it was written all over my face, but I shrugged it off. It wasn't until I returned and you read me like a book that I knew I was done for. I tried to fight it, tried to ignore it but I just couldn't. With everyone around me telling me it was a good idea and that you were the perfect match for me how could I not test it out? I chickened out when the shit got real but in the end I realized taking a chance was worth it, that you are worth it.

I wasn't looking for you, I wasn't looking for any of this but yet here you are; ready and willing. But do I deserve it? Do I deserve another chance? That I don't know nor do I know where this is all going but here I am, ready to take a leap with you, ready to take a chance on love again.

You told me you don't know how to fall in love and I told you I'm not even sure if I can fall in love again, but the more time I spend with you, the more I hope I'm wrong....

Questions

2009-09-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

When did it happen? Where did the time go? I keep looking back wondering how we got here.I was talking to Ami today and it's just so weird to see how far we've all come. It took a few years but we've all managed to scatter across the Globe. Eddie in Scotland, Molly in Baltimore, Ami in Chicago, and me in Cali.

Somehow none of this seems real to me. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. It shouldn't have been this easy for me. Why was I the lucky one? There's plenty of other people who want it more or deserve it more than me right? I guess since I lost you the fates decided to give me something. If I can't have love than I should at least be able to have a career right?

You know I ask myself if I'd give this new life up for anything, for anyone? If you asked me to come back to Boston and walk away from my dream would I do it? I'd like to think so, especially since I always preach and write about true love and blah blah blah. But if I'm honest with myself, truly honest, I don't think I would. I love it that much, I love writing that much. It'll always be my number one. And even though I go days, weeks, months even, without writing I know that I can always come back to it. It'll always be there no matter what.

Can I say the same about you?

Leave Me Paralyzed...

2009-08-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

I got a picture text from you today. I couldn't open it at first but somehow I knew what it said. I don't know how but I did.

You're engaged. Well congratulations, it's about time. I've been waiting for that knife to pierce my heart and now that it has I can finally be done, right?

To be honest I don't even know what to say. I mean I expected it, hell I've been waiting for this moment but now that it's here I can't think, can't speak, can't move. All I can see are those three words lighting up my iPhone screen, "we r engaged". As soon as I read that I felt my stomach muscles tighten, my jaw clench, and my eyes slowly close. I immediately left the office and went to the bathroom. I tried to catch my breath but I couldn't. All I could do was kneel down on the floor as I watched a thousand little moments from our past play in my head.

And as I sit here playing with the condensation on my glass, that only moments ago held a vodka on the rocks, I realized something,

It should've been me...

Happiness

2009-08-05T01:06:00.001-07:00

If someone had told me 10 years ago I'd be working in tv or film and be working for my Hollywood idol, I would've laughed in their face.

It's a funny thing when you start to see your dreams come true, when you realize that goal you've been chasing is starting to take shape.

It's like a race. I'm not at the finish line and I won't be there for awhile, but I'm not at beginning either. I'm in the middle..I'm halfway there.

Although I don't think I'll ever truly be happy. How could I be when everything comes back to her?

I'm only happy when I'm miserable. It suits me. Most people don't get me. I mean they get PARTS of me but never all, never all.

Ghosts

2009-07-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

I talked to H last night and started to open up a little about myself, about who I really am. I'm one person at MM and another at the clubs and another at home and so on and so forth. It's getting hard to keep track of which persona is real...

I told him about my new story, the one about me, her, and the one that got away. What I didn't tell him (although I'm sure he knows) is that I still think about both of them and wonder what might have been. If I had it to do over, would I have chosen differently or would I make the same mistake twice?

It's the "what if's" that get me! They're what kill me, what drive me...

They're what haunt me....

Employment

2009-04-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

Holy shit!!! I can't believe it, I'm employed again or as my bff Shannan put it "someone was finally stupid enough to hire you?" (haha) So yes I can actually put something relevant to working in Cali in this blog. That'll be quite a change from my constant romantic entanglements and girl drama although I haven't had much of that lately...hmm...can anyone guess why? (lol)

The job is an Office PA gig on the show MadMen and I start on Monday. Truth be told, I haven't done the Office PA thing in quite some time (mostly b/c I hate it) but I'm jazzed to have my first job in tv and finally start my climb up the ladder once again. This show will carry me through to September which means God willing I will be working all summer, which is bad but good.

I worked last Sunday and realized just how much I miss those 12-13 hour days. :-) I have to thank Laeta and Marti for going out on a limb and recommending me. They really helped me. I was pretty discouraged for awhile but I knew something would happen, we just had to wait out. (actually I didn't know that Laeta did. I was convinced that I'd be living in my grandmother's house forever. lol) So I guess we'll see if I have what it takes to really work in this business and whether or not I want tv or film or both.

So buckle up kiddies because from what I've been told it's gonna be a bumpy ride...

Aloha Hawai'i

2009-04-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

It's my last day in Hawai'i and I'm sad to be going home. I began my day at 7ish when we woke up and headed to the Mauna Kai resort where we had breakfast and then went to the beach. Laeta managed to get me in the water on a boogie board, which was scary at first but ended up being really fun. Altho I did eat some sand and was disoriented for a moment but I ended up going back out there for more.

Afterwards we headed home and L and I did a quick kayak. I say quick because the waves were pretty rough and I'm not the most experienced kayaker so needless to say I was a bit nervous when I saw a large wave headed straight for us. L assured me we were perfectly safe but I'm not sure if she was just trying to keep me calm. (I tend to freak out and think the worst at every turn. lol)

Right now I'm sitting on the couch finishing the wine DT bought and the Mai Tai's. I refuse to quit until every last drop of alcohol is gone from our little bungalow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little buzzed and might well be buzzed when we get on our flight. (god I hope so) I have to say, DT was the perfect roommate. I could vacation with him again. He's mellow and keeps to himself. He doesn't talk a lot and he goes on facebook just as much as I do so I don't feel guilty. haha. Plus he likes to drink and sees nothing wrong with having a drink at noon.

This was one of the best vacations I've ever taken. It was awesome. Just enough time away from LA to clear my head and get away from my life and just enough time with the Clarks so that we weren't sick of each other.

However, I'm sure that due to my accident prone nature they will think twice about inviting me to do anything else ever again. LOL. I did get pretty banged up, more than their kids and they're 6 and 10. In the 10 days we were here I managed to bang both knees on rocks, (scraping the left one pretty badly) and get stung by a bee. Did I mention I'm allergic to bee stings? Needless to say that night I was flying high on an overdose of children's bubblegum benadryl that A gave me to counter act the sting. I was a mess at dinner and felt as if I'd dropped some peyote or 'shrooms not sure which. That also happened to be DT's last night. DT said it best as we dropped him at the airport he hugged me, "try not to get hurt anymore". (Hahaha)

Aside from my injuries I liked vacationing with the Clarks. They actually do stuff, like active stuff and if I'm scared of doing something they encourage me to try it. Like snorkeling, for instance. I was terrified to snorkel but I did it a couple of times and feel confident that I could do it again. It was the same thing with boogie boarding. L could see I wanted to do it but I was just scared. She took me out to a shallow area and let me get comfortable then took me out a bit more when I felt okay. We never really vacationed in my family. Plus my mom isn't really that good in the water so she doesn't do boats or surfing or anything like that. It was just nice to vacation and be active.

It's 2:55pm and I'm REALLY feelin the buzz now. (I should sleep good on the plane) I'm pretty much packed and ready to go.

Well Hawai'i, I guess this is goodbye. You are beautiful and magical and I hope to see you again but next time I'll be ready for you. I won't swim into rocks or be stung by bees in the shower. I won't be frightened by geccos (okay maybe a little but they're so icky. lol.) or sharks.

I WILL MAKE YOU MY BITCH!!!

In Search of Gay Nightlife On The Big Island

2009-04-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

So last night DT and I went to this little gay bar in Kona called The Mask Bar & Grill. Seeing as no reviews could be found online we were both skeptical to say the least. Our suspicions were confirmed when we FINALLY found the place down the street from a Walmart nestled in a shopping plaza with a Domino's Pizza. (not exactly a clubby Weho scene) DT said it best when we were outside counting the cars in the parking lot (deciding whether or not to go in), "it doesn't even look gay...there's a Bud Light sign in the window." What sucked the most was that we had driven about 30-45 mins to get there. How could we just leave without even going in?

However DT chimed in again with another memorable quote, "I don't wanna be depressed tonight." That sealed the deal for me. We decided to try another bar, anything but this. There had to be a place that was bumping and jiving at 10:45 on a Friday night right? Nopers. However, we were determined to get a drink, somewhere.

We went to two resorts and found them both to be practically deserted. No restaurants or bars were open and it was only 11 o'clock. We finally managed to get referred to a bar that doubled as a karaoke and sushi bar. At this point we needed a drink and thus we both went straight for the vodka. As I took my first sip and looked around I felt like I was back in college. Everyone looked so young.

Then it happened, the familiar tune of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" began playing through the speakers and these two morons got up. I listened as they butchered the Red Sox anthem and then began to get hungry. DT expressed his famished state as well and we both agreed that sushi from this place was not a good idea.

So, in search of food we began driving, AGAIN. Everything we passed was closed, even the gas station we went to just 2 hours earlier. "What if you needed to get gas after 11", DT said? "I guess you'd be fucked," was my reply. We decided to try one last place. Earlier we passed a sign that said "food, lodging, and gas." So we turned down the road thinking we might find sustenance shortly. The road was dark and long as we headed inland. It felt as if we were re-enacting a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Hitcher (or any other horror movie where the main characters drive down a sketchy road you know they shouldn't and they know they shouldn't but they do it anyways). After about a mile or so we realized our attempts were futile and that the sign was just taunting us so we turned back.

We ended our night raiding Laeta's fridge and eating sandwiches. DT hit the bottle of Chianti to dull the pain of our failed evening and I stuck to Gatorade. We both went to our respective rooms. (me to the couch and him outside to his little nook) and watched tv on our laptops.

In the end we learned two things--1. that there are no gays in Kono and 2. if you wanna eat or get gas do it before 10 o'clock, otherwise you're screwed.

Hawaii

2009-03-31T11:19:00.001-07:00

Holy shit I'm in Hawaii!!! I can't effin believe it?! It's absolutely beautiful. We're right on the beach. I woke up this morning and watched the sun rise. I even wrote a new poem. It's impossible to not be inspired in this gorgeous paradise.

Last night D.T. and I went for a night swim when we arrived. It was after midnight and because they use low level/low emission street lights the stars are really bright. I just lied on my back and stared up at the sky wondering how I got so lucky? How did this happen to me?

I look at my life and I see all the things that are wrong all the things that are bad like unemployment, poverty(ok i'm not quite homeless but you know what I mean. haha), failure, and being here puts everything in perspective. Things have a way of working themselves out. I've eliminated the drama in my life and am trying to focus on my writing and my friends, my "real" friends. That's what's important to me now. I may be poor and I may not be able to spend money like I used to but sometimes you have to go through hard stuff, suffer a little, so that when things bounce back you don't take them for granted.

There's nothing in this life worth having that doesn't take work. if it comes easily to us there's no real satisfaction. There's superficial satisfaction but deep down I think we all need to work and suffer to understand how truly blessed we are. This time last year I was working on a Martin Scorsese movie and yes at the time I felt grateful but it was a job to me and I realize now just how big that was.

I always say I wish I could go back and do things over but then I think, if I did that I wouldn't be where I am right now. I would have missed all the interesting people and friends I've met along the way. How different my life would be had I taken the Bride Wars job instead of Shutter Island? Or if I hadn't gone to Umass Amherst? Or If I hadn't met M. Thomes senior year? Where would I be right now?

Who would I be?....

Paradise

2009-03-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

A wave crashes on the beach, greenish-blue
A wave crashes on the beach and all I see is you.
I thought we were finished, assumed we were done,
But the more I think about it, I know you're the one.

What was I afraid of? Why didn't I stay?
But a better question is, why did you let me walk away?
Have I missed my shot? Is it finally too late?
Will you give me a second chance? What will it take?

If I could do it again, if I could change one thing
I would've stayed in the game and given you a ring.

You'll marry 'B' now and you totally should
She can give you everything, that I never could.
She'll make you a priority, she'll make you her life
She'll make you her friend, she'll make you her wife.

I wanted that once, I think I still do.
Because a wave crashes on the beach, and all I see is you.

Crimson Days By Kelly Moss

2009-02-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

Crimson Days

Every night I empty my heart
But by morning it's full again.
Slow droplets of you seep in
Through the night's soft caress.
At dawn I overflow with thoughts of us,
An aching pleasure that gives me no respite.
Love cannot be contained, the neat packaging of
Desire splits asunder, spilling crimson through my days.
Long, languishing days that are now bruised tender with yearning,
Spent searching for a fingerprint, a scent...
a breath you left behind

Kelly Moss

2008-12-15T20:28:00.000-08:00

Buffy66679 (8:11:55 PM): i'm trying to be good on this trip. i'm not allowed to hookup with any girls while i'm home
Buffy66679 (8:12:26 PM): if i do i'm in seriouuuuus trouble
Buffy66679 (8:12:35 PM): what's the spanish word for "trouble"?
Krazyk215 (8:12:38 PM): yes u r
Krazyk215 (8:12:43 PM): no idea
Buffy66679 (8:12:47 PM): damn it!!
Buffy66679 (8:12:48 PM): lol
Krazyk215 (8:12:50 PM): lol
Buffy66679 (8:12:51 PM): oh pelicula
Buffy66679 (8:12:54 PM): no that's danger
Buffy66679 (8:13:00 PM): or movie?
Buffy66679 (8:13:06 PM): ...i'm not sure which
Buffy66679 (8:13:08 PM): ahahahaha
Krazyk215 (8:13:26 PM): hahhahaha

You Know Who You Are--Read It, Learn It, Love It!!!

2008-12-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

honestly if you're suffering from more than one of these then it's time to jump ship. good luck peeps.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24165/dating-101-seven-warning-signs-of-a-troubled-relationship

Who Knew Mel Was So Funny??

2008-11-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

olympic8894 (6:26:07 PM): hey i could pay you to shovel the sidewalk at blockbuster if you hang around
Buffy66679 (6:26:13 PM): hahahaha
olympic8894 (6:26:29 PM): you did such a great job last year
Buffy66679 (6:26:38 PM): ill work for a cup of clam chowder and a grilled cheese from the real deal
Buffy66679 (6:26:39 PM): lol
olympic8894 (6:26:50 PM): wow your a cheap date
Buffy66679 (6:26:59 PM): spread that around
olympic8894 (6:27:21 PM): i will especially in front of sarah and maura

K.S. You Crack Me Up Sometimes

2008-11-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

buffy66679: You know what occured to me? I was a cradle robber when I dated you. You were only 17 and I was 19!! That just popped into my head. Wow...crazy. lol.
teenkms01: LOL
buffy66679: I was unpacking some stuff and found my old journals. There was some stuff in there about "us".
teenkms01: You are too funny. You wrote in a journal?
buffy66679: I was a writer waay back then. We were like two friends who made out twice a week in the front seat of a car. LOL
teenkms01: I know right!!! I would love to read what was written.
buffy66679: I'm a tortured soul so prob not, unless I incorporate all my crazy exes into a short story called "Them Crazy Hoes". LOL
teenkms01: LOL :) Can I have a unique name?
buffy66679: Yeah, I'll call you blond hottie #2. lol. BTW if you're gonna remain in my inner circle you might wanna get unlimited texting.
teenkms01: I'll up my plan. :)

I Just Don't Know...

2008-11-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how complicated life can become in the blink of an eye. One minute you're watching tv and eating a veggie burger and the next you're receiving a cryptic im message. I knew what was going to happen and where the convo would lead. It always begins so innocently and then it takes a turn to the inappropriate, and by inappropriate I mean a trip down memory lane. It's not just you because I started it last night but I just...I don't know why I even answered you. Things are so good right now and your answers just blew me out of the water. I think I knew what you were going to say but to actually hear it just completely got to me.

With that being said I'm going to try and continue on the course that I've set out for us. I will proceed with caution and try my best not to let myself get sucked back into our little crazy loop. I can't promise that I'll always follow through and I can't promise that I'll always make the right decisions when it comes to "us" but I will do my best.

You were right about one thing--a lot did change in four days so who are we to say even more won't change in a month. I don't know what December will bring or if we'll still go with the same answers from our little "popquiz" last night, only time will tell.

"Want to know what I do know?

I know that I love you

and no matter what,

a part of me always will."

(you always know how to get me)

Living It Up In Cali And Finally Enjoying My Life Again!!!

2008-11-09T09:46:00.005-08:00

So this weekend was awesome and it's not even over yet!! Let me begin w/friday night--Jared and I went to the Arclight for an AFI movie and then we met up with Amber for dinner at a brazilian place called Bossa Nova which was really yummy. I then proceeded to drag Jared to a lesbian bar/club called the Here Lounge in West Hollywood. It was even more hilarious because we went to the wrong place at first. We went to this gay bar/club called the Abbey (which I've already been to so I should've known we were at the wrong place but I was fooled because it had rainbows. lol) and Jared was felt up by this guy who was completely trashed and asked whether or not we were a couple I said "no" not even thinking that he was trying to hit on Jared. When I realized we were at the wrong place I got us out of there and we went next door to the "real destination."

Lemme just say this....California lesbians are fucking hot!!!! I was completely in awe. They had dancers too which I didn't see but Smallville told me I had to see them. We met some of her friends and then Jared went off to look at the dancefloor because he was convinced everyone hated him because he was a boy. I assured him that most likely they thought he was gay because he's so pretty. That didn't put him at ease either. (lol) Anyways I met some of Smallville's friends which was fun. They were all really nice. I on the other hand was a complete and bumbling idiot. She kept talking to me and I was making it feel like she was pulling teeth. I couldn't even answer a simple question without getting all sketchy. (hahaha) Nevertheless I had a good time and I'm glad I went. I will definitely go again but I'll probably leave poor jared at home. :-)

Saturday was a mellow day. I was supposed to meet up with people for the protest against Prop 8 but I was in Santa Monica w/my buddy Ross and we went on a search for sushi which we found after a 30 minute walk. (lol) Needless to say after a lot of sushi and warm sake the walk back took a bit longer and so we ended up missing the protest. I felt bad because I really should've gone...seeing that I'm gay and one day I do plan on being married. (well i'll prob be married more than once but whatevs, you get the picture) I'm sure there will be more rallies and I will definitely be at the next one.

Nothing else really big is happening. I'm still unemployed but I'm writing and just taking it day-by-day. 40 films will be in LA in January so that'll be good. Well that's all I got, no girl drama this week because we finally ended things and we're both with the people we should be with. :-) It's good to be happy again and you know, "normal." Well I'm off to try and convince Smallville she wants to stop working and have brunch with me this morning then a movie with the boys.

God I love LA!!!! :-)

"Leaving on a jetplane"

2008-10-20T20:39:00.002-07:00

So tomorrow's the big day, come 11:30am I will be on a plane heading for LA and my new life...holy shit!! I can't believe I'm really doing this. I mean I've been talking about it for a few months now and writing about it for weeks but to actually be following through with it is making me a bit dizzy. lol.

Jared is already there and seems as happy as I've ever seen him so that's comforting and Ross too. The town is pretty shutdown right now but they both just seem happy to be in Cali which is nice. God I'm glad I have them there, and L.K and her family as well. I have family in LA but it's nice to at least have some friends before I get there. At least I'll have some peeps to hit the bars with...although I don't really go to bars but hey it's never too late to start. lol

All kidding aside though, I'm sad to be leaving you, well not just you but everyone. It's been two weeks and I practically started missing everyone the day I left. I wonder what things will be like when I come back for a visit? I wonder how big the munckin will have gotten or who will still be working at bbv? I also wonder what you'll be like? Will we still be the same when I come back...or will I not even recognize you anymore? I'm scared for us to change but at the same time I know it's inevitable. Nevertheless I still hold out hope for us and I still have the pink pic, and I'll keep it with me, so no matter where I go or what I do, you'll always be with me. :-)

Do you remember the night I gave you yours? I can't believe you lost it, although I'm not entirely convinced you "lost" it. I'm pretty sure you threw it somewhere when you got mad at me. lol Anyways, it's my good luck charm, and as long as I have it with me, I have you.

It's time for me to sign off and get some rest for my big day tomorrow. Wish me luck on my new adventure and remember one thing--

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"...

What Am I Gonna Do With You?...

2008-10-19T11:56:00.003-07:00

So this week was odd...oh hell who am I kidding?!! It was the same as always, I fought with you and made up and here we are again in this neverending loop. I'm 500 miles away from home and yet here I am still fighting with you, over nothing. I think I'm destined to have girl drama for the rest of my life as penance for being such a dick. (lol)

Anyhow, the other night I was coming back from the bar and got a text from you, and that started a typical 3 hour convo that took us into about 4am. I wish I could say I was surprised to get your text but honestly, I was expecting it. After the way we'd left things earlier I knew you couldn't let it rest. You're like me in that way, when you're left alone with your thoughts all you do is analyze everything.

Of course I answered you, how could I not? It's hard for me not to return a text, from anyone, not just you. I think it's like an OCD thing, like if I don't return a text in less than a minute my phone will self-destruct or something. (lol) I didn't intend to talk as long as we did, I never do, but for some strange reason when it's late at night we finally decide to be honest and talk to each other about stuff. I think it's because no one can interrupt us and we have each other's full attention. At those times it feels like it's just me and you and nobody else exists.

I asked you a question that night or said something. I think it had something to do with whether or not you still loved me after I was such a dick, I don't remember exactly what it was. All I remember is your answer, because it was so unexpected. You're never as good with words as I am, but sometimes, just sometimes you find the right ones to leave me speechless. You said "you could be so mean to me, walk all over me and call me every name in the book and i'll still love you...cause feelings like that just don't go away over night."

I know they don't...believe me I know. All we can do now is wait, let things play out, and hope our friendship can survive. If it does then ku-dos!! If it doesn't, then it was probably never meant to be.

"Stay Close, Don't Go"

2008-10-15T15:25:00.002-07:00

I'm staring at the glass in front of me,

is it half empty of our wins or have i ruined all you've given me?
I know I've been selfish,
I know I've been foolish,
but look through that
and you will see,
I'll do better, I know,
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.

Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping,
I listen to your breathing,
amazed how I somehow managed to
sweep you off your feet girl,
your perfect little feet girl
I took for granted what you do.
But I'll do better, I know
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing 'til it dies
if you leave me tonight.

And don't you know my heart is open, oh,
it's putting up the fight,
and I've got this feeling,
that everything's alright,
and don't you see,
I'm not the only one for you
but you're the only one for me.

If you leave me tonight I'll wake up alone,

(stay) If you leave me tonight,
(close) I'll wake up alone,
(don't) don't tell me I will
(go) make it on my own,
(stay) don't leave me tonight,
(close) this heart of stone
(don't) will sing till it dies
(go) nif you leave me tonight.
Don't leave me tonight

~Secondhand Serenade's "Stay Close, Don't Go

Connecting With Old Friends

2008-10-13T20:55:00.002-07:00

So today was a strange but good day. I'm still kickin' it in the VA. but it's getting better. I relaxed and played wii golf and hung with my mom, but I also connected with some old friends. I haven't had much time to talk to people and now that I have some downtime it was nice to play catch up.

I hadn't talked to my friend K.S, in so long and we were supposed to hang out before I left Boston but plans fell through. She IMed me tonight and we had a quick chat but it was enough to make me realize that I wanna keep in touch with her and that I've been slacking a bit with my friends. K and I were close awhile back but we've kind of neglected each other over the past few years, taking for granted that we'd always be able to hang out "some other time", because I only lived an hour away. But clearly with me gone, we won't have as many opportunities. I wish we had hung out more though because getting the quick tidbits tonight made me realize I don't know much of what's been happening with her and I wish I did.

I'm definitely gonna make more of an effort, not just with her, but with all my friends. I don't wanna lose touch with everyone like I did when we all went off to college.

And K.S., I meant what I said about your ex boyfriend being a dumbass for letting you slip through his fingers. I always thought you were a catch. It was good talking to you again.

We'll talk soon I'm sure.

:-)

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

2008-10-10T21:35:00.003-07:00

This has been quite the rollercoaster ride we've been on this week. One minute we're saying goodbye and how we'll always be friends, the next minute we're saying ily and all the shit that goes along with that and now we're done. We broke up so to speak, although I'm not sure if you can actually "break up" if you were never really dating to begin with. (lol) We're so complicated that even our breakups are confusing.

Well I know you think I'm gonna change my mind but I won't. I meant what I said tonight, you need to take a hard look and think about what it is you really want and I need to do the same, until then we can't really be anything. I know I said I wanted to be friends and I do but we will have to work our way back to that. As of right now there's too much invested and we need to take a step back. It's gonna be harder on me while I'm in the VA. because I don't rly have any distractions. I came here to relax and get some writing done before LA but now I can't think of anything except what happened with us tonight and it's not helping me get anything done. :-(
I know this is all confusing and it seems like it came out of left field but I just think it's for the best.

Good luck and remember what I said in my letter, "stop settling". Figure out what you want and go after it, and don't take "no" for an answer. Fight for what you want chief, because nothing in this world worth having comes easy, if it does, then it's not really worth it.

A clip from our movie

2008-10-10T14:58:00.002-07:00

here's another link to a clip of our movie and it's set to one of your fave songs, or at least it used to be one of your favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpsPJGJwpVI&feature=related

As Per Usual...

2008-10-09T23:05:00.003-07:00

Honestly--
Why do you ask questions you don't want the answers to? I mean I get why you do it because we all do it but you in particular, knowing how jealous and fired up you get at the slightest things. You have absolutely no reason to be which is why I suggested simmering down in the first place, b/c this is how you always are. Whenever I'm with someone it causes you to get pissy. Yes I know you're irritated that I said we should cool it but it's just gotten too intense, I mean you sent me 2 ily texts tonight while I was out. Granted one of them was in our code but still we both know what they meant. and it's not just you, it's me too, texting you all day and saying "imu and bla blah blah"...

You have someone to fall back on, I don't. I have many different someones at the same time b/c i can't make up my mind but that's me, and it's been me since the first day we met. And just like you like to throw the fact that you have a gf in my face(and I knew that getting involved w/you) every chance you get I wanna point out that I too was seeing someone when you interfered with my relationship and that I have always maintained that I'm just not a one woman girl anymore, I prob won't be for awhile, until I find someone who can hold my attention. If you don't like it then don't ask me where I was or if I met someone, just assume the answer is yes and be pissed off without involving me.

I was trying to avoid an argument with you tonight but you had to be an ass (yeah i caught your away message, that was mature). This isn't like the usual disagreement b/w us, you can't just see me tomorrow and we make it all better, I DONT LIVE THERE ANYMORE!!! and soon I'm just gonna lose patience and say "out of sight out of mind" and it'll be easier to do since we won't see each other. Remember how it felt when we didn't speak for a month but we at least saw each other twice a week? Yeah that sucked for both of us, but imagine that times ten, b/c that's what it would be like if we fight now. We're across the country from each other. (or at least we will be)

I'm not "her"...I dont' wanna spend all my time jealous and fighting with you. It doesn't do anything for me, other than piss me off. I wasn't saying we needed to stop talking altogether, hell I wasn't even suggeting that we cut down our texting, I just don't want us saying you know what anymore. I don't know if you mean it and I'm starting to wonder if I mean it either or if I made a mistake...

Look obviously we got ahead of ourselves, or at least I got ahead of myself and things just got kind of intense. I was hoping to pull them back gradually but you took what I said the wrong way and reacted, as per usual. I'm sorry if I pissed you off, it wasn't my intention but sometimes things need to be said, no matter how delicate your sensibilities are. I'd rather hurt your feelings now while they still have a rebound rather than wait a few mos. down the line and we keep saying "you know what", and then I come back and say "I'm seeing someone" or you say " I wanna work it out with her, because I rly love her". I wanna avoid anyone else getting hurt.

Kickin' It in the VA.

2008-10-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

My parents have so much land at their new house that I could be eaten by a bear or a deer or gored by a moose if I wander too far, so I also have that to add to my troubles. (hahaha) You know how I feel about bugs and nature...I don't do the outdoors. I mean come on now, black people are not built for camping which is why we live in cities, not the burbs. :-) I'm gonna be having nightmares about my mom's horse for days now. I swear it was looking at me with these eyes that said "I may be a vegetarian, but for you I'll make an exception". (lol)

"The lily means, the lily means I dare you to love me"...

2008-10-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

So last night was supposed to be my last night in Boston. I was supposed to leave and begin my journey. I spent the whole day packing my car and running errands and saying my goodbyes, and then at the end of the night I had to say goodbye to you. I knew it would be hard so I wrote you a letter and made you a mix because you're always texting me song quotes. I think our new song suits us perfectly, "Love Remains the Same".

You wrote me a letter and you said some things I wasn't expecting so when it came time to give you your gift I felt like a cd and a text goodbye just wouldn't do. That's why I came over last night. I had to see you again. I missed you already and I hadn't even left yet, imagine what I'll be like in a few weeks when I'm actually across the country.

The thing is, I made my peace with all "the women in my life" over the last few weeks, and just when I thought I'd get outta here unscathed, you gave me that letter. It was articulate and heartfelt and everything you never are. (lol) I didn't know what to say. There has always been so much standing in our way, so much that has kept us from being together, but in that moment, reading that letter I didn't care about any of it. All I wanted was you, all I cared about was you.

Last night was one of the best and worst nights for me. I said goodbye to the last of my friends and to the munchkin and then you . After all the goodbyes we were then finally honest with each other about our feelings. I guess I always knew there was love between us, but it was easier not to acknowledge it. What if I had? Would I still be leaving? I promised myself when I made the decision to move that I wouldn't let a girl stand in my way. I didn't want any serious attachments b/c I knew I couldn't handle it. Now here we are and I'm getting ready to start an incredible journey and all I can think about is how much I'm gonna miss you and that I don't wanna leave you just yet. But I guess it's like I wrote in our short, "if we're meant to be, then it'll happen". I truly believe that.

So I hope you like the mix and that you listen to it often, because I know I will. I put the same mix on my ipod so it's what I'm gonna listen to on my drive down, and on my flight to LA. It's what I'm gonna listen to when I'm sitting in my apt alone missing you but I'm not gonna be sad when I listen to it, and neither should you. I'm gonna remember all the fun times we had an all the laughs and the fact that you're a klepto. (lol)

You remember when we first met? If only I knew then what I know now...oh well it is what it is. I'm happy I stayed the extra night though, I needed sleep and I needed one more storytime night with you. It's been a year since you told me you liked me and we've been through the wringer, but honestly I wouldn't change a thing, well maybe one....I would've kissed you when I had the chance.

I'll leave you with a clip from our movie. I hope you like it and that you watch it when you wanna think of me. It even has our quote in it if you listen closely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GYDC8d80Ys

"There's only 1 thing 2 do, 3 words 4 you, I love you. There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words, that's what Ill do, I love you."

~Plain White T's "1,2,3,4"

Pumpkin Spice Latte w/a side of Confession

2008-09-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

So last night was the first night of tying up loose ends. I met up with Rebecca for coffee and we sat down for a "catch up" session. It started out a bit awkward because we hadn't seen each other in a long time and we hadn't spent time alone together in almost 5 years.

I went into it worrying that we had changed too much to even have a real conversation, but once we got into it, it felt like old times. I didn't realize how much I missed her until right then. We talked about everything--work, boyfriends, (gf's for me of course. lol), friends, family, everything. As we talked I started to remember why I became friends with her in the first place. It was because she was such a good listener and so easy to talk to. It made me sad to know that I had once again walked out of someone's life "to prove a point" and ended up missing out on that time I could've been spending with them. I had so much fun last night that I wish now I had called earlier. I hope maybe now I have learned my lesson, although I can never be too sure.

The other big thing on last night's agenda was me finally coming clean about everything I felt for her back then and even now. As I walked her to her car I knew it was now or never and as I stood there fidgeting she knew me well enough to see I had something on my mind and I was freaking out about it. (god even now she knows me...lol) I kinda told her in a roundabout way speaking almost as fast as the micromachines man. She knew what I wanted to say and she also knew it wouldn't change anything for her but she understood I had to say it. I wish I had had the balls to say it flat out. Well here's my blog and I'm sure she will be online stalking me at some point this week so here's my chance to say it the way I should've last night...

For as long as I can remember, it's always been you, for me it's ALWAYS been you. I mean even the thought that there was someone else out there for me never entered my mind. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to say this to you, but every time I chicken out. I guess I figure it's now or never and if I don't do it, if I don't say it, I'll never be over you, I'll never stop chasing you. Back when we were in high school and weren't speaking I used to stay up until 1:11 just to make a wish that you would speak to me again. Stupid I know but hey I was 16 can you blame me? (lol) I know I reacted like a maniac when all that shit went down and I never knew why until it was too late. Junior year I realized I was in love with you and I didn't know how to deal with that so I just treated you like crap. Even though you took me back and accepted my apology, I knew things were never going to be the same between us, and they never were. I've tried so hard for so many years to get back what we had, but for all the wrong reasons. I've been chasing after a ghost for the past 10 years, destroying everything in my path.

Last night when we had coffee it felt like old times again, the "good old times". I think you're right, I mainly remember only the good things that happened between us and therefore I put our friendship on some pedestal that never really existed. Although I hate to admit when someone else is right, I have to give it to you. We were all horrible to each other, hell you and I fought almost everyday, but for some reason I guess I blocked that all out.

I'm glad we had coffee and I'm glad you're doing well. I want nothing but the best for you, that's all I've ever wanted. I knew last night that what I had been chasing was gone and may have never been there in the first place. Don't get me wrong, you're still just as beautiful as I remember, even more so if that's possible. I missed you Bek and I'm glad we're gonna keep in touch.

As I told you last night "Michelle may have been my first girlfriend, but you're always gonna be my first love."

p.s. you get first dibs on reading my new script.

Taking the Plunge

2008-09-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

So it's 1:05am and I can't sleep. I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED but I can't seem to shut my mind off. Maybe it's because tomorrow's the first day that I'm dedicating to actually packing and getting my affairs in order so I can leave in two weeks...or it's the fact that I finally tracked down your number and called you and now we're meeting for coffee tomorrow night.

God I'm so nervous. I haven't seen you in so long and there's so much I want to say to you, so much I wanna just get out and I worry I'm gonna clam up again and not be able to say anything.
This has been such a long time coming that I hope it won't be too awkward.

I can't believe this is all really happening...I'm really moving away and we're finally gonna lay everything on the table for once...

The Fight

2008-09-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

A funny thing happened a few weeks ago, Mrs. Kirkpatrick came into my store to rent and I hadn't seen her in years. She still looks great of course...that woman ages very VERY well. (lol) Anyways as soon as she left I was transported back to 9th grade Civics class and all I could think about was you. I tried not to but the damage was already done, because all I could see for the rest of the night was your face.

It's weird....I've gone for alittle bit over a year without talking to you and now I'm wondering if that was a mistake. I was so angry with you that I thought if I just pushed you out of my mind I could pretend that none of that stuff happened before, that I haven't spent the last 10 years chasing after you.

Here I am one year later getting ready to embark on a journey that will completely change my life and even though we haven't spoken and everyone thinks I'm crazy, all I can think about is whether or not I should say goodbye to you. I know you could care less, seeing as you practically shit on all of your firends when Rob came along, but I do Beks, I really do. I've always been known for just running away from stuff and never finishing what I start. I'm a coward. I let you walk out of my life without so much as a protest, and now I've realized I missed my shot. I know now that I didn't ignore you just because I was mad at you, but because I was angry at myself for letting you slip through my fingers.

What kills me though, is that it doesn't even seem to bother you that you lost 2 really good friends, all because you're stubborn. I'd say you lost 3 friends but you and I haven't been the same since we kissed back in high school and I turned into an asshole. If only I knew then what I know now....

It's funny to me that one small act could completely derail an entire friendship and shape an entire life at the same time.

I've been trying to forget and to move past it but somehow you're still there, hiding out in the back of my mind and holding my heart hostage so that no one can get close. The thing is, every time I would get close to getting out of your grasp you'd find some small way to pull me back in...a touch of my arm, holding my hand, a kiss on the cheek, anything to hold on to me. You were always so scared that you'd be alone Bek, that you'd never find someone and I think it made you feel better to know that no matter what you'd have me.

So here I sit, at a crossroads wondering, "Do I go down swingin' or do I not even show up to the fight?"

4 Weeks and Counting

2008-09-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

So it's Sept 9th, and I have 4 weeks until I begin my journey to La-La Land. God what am I thinking?! In a city where you can actually "feel" your soul being sucked out of you before you even step foot off the plane....I should feel right at home. As it gets closer and closer I can't help but become increasingly worried that this is the worst idea I've ever had, and lord knows I've had some bad ones. I feel like I'm leaving everything behind, and for what? To be a writer? Well here's a newsflash, ever since I made the decision to move and pursue the dream of being a writer, I haven't been able to write a single word. I've had writer's block for almost a month. When I was in LA and vacationing I was able to get a couple of scenes done a day.

What the hell is happening to me? All I can think is that I'm making a huge mistake and I'm not gonna make it out there. LA is the place where they chew people like me up and spit them out again. I know I seem cool with everything but I'm not. I'm terrified that I'm gonna let everyone down and that I don't have what it takes.

You know I asked Shannan a few weeks back what happens if I don't have "it"? What happens if I'm not cut out for the writing life? And she said that if that happens then I'll find something else in the biz that I like or if not then worse-case scenario I just come home and start over. She says I'm young and now's the time to take risks, when i still have time to recover from them. She also said to stop being so scared, because she doesn't think that I'm gonna fail.

You know I always knew that Shannan supported me and believed in me but to actually hear her say it, that she didn't think I was gonna fail and that she thought I'd do well out there was shocking to me. I don't know why...I mean she's always been there for me but to hear that...God it made me even more nervous. It's not about disappointing my family and myself anymore...it's about disappointing her.

After all these years she's still the only person's opinion I care about. Her opinion is the only one that matters, it always has been. Some people think it's cause I'm secretly in love with her but i know better, she's been like a parent to me, even when we were kids, she always knew the right thing to do. It scares the hell out of me to think I might disappoint her, she's my best friend. She always has been and always will be.