I Want The Fairytale

So, it's done. The wedding has come and gone and here I stand. I don't know what I feel. I mean I'm happy for her, I really am. But I can't lie, it was a little bittersweet, and I was a bit jealous. But not for the reasons you'd think. Mostly because she found what I've been searching for my whole life, true love. That deliriously happy, only found in fairytales, kind of love. That running through the rain to catch someone, standing on top of a coffee cart, holding a boombox outside someone's window kinda love. Something I thought I saw in her and me, or me and RM, or me and MT. It's funny to me because like she said in her vows "she never believed in love at first sight." She's right, she never did, "until she met her wife." That was her soulmate. I felt it when she first told me about her and how they were just new friends and again when she told me they were dating. I always knew she'd marry her, and after I met this girl, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. They were made for each other. I want that, I want to be made for someone. I want to WANT to put someone other than myself and my job first. I want to WANT to be willing to give it all up for love.

When I was driving to the wedding I kept asking myself what I'd do if I showed up and she changed her mind. If she told me she wanted to be with me or wanted me to stay an extra day for us to figure out some stuff, would I stay? And every time, no matter how I looked at it, I always said "no." Even if it was clear I'd end up with her, I always said no and got on that plane. I always chose MM and my career. I never chose her. I knew right then, that she wasn't "the one," she never was. I always write and preach fairytale love and happy endings and sacrificing for love but I never actually do it. I want to feel something like that. I don't know that I ever have. I think I thought I did but I never actually have.

I just want what she has. A was right, I can only live on the "day-to-day" girls for so long. Eventually it'll blow up in my face. I seem to be walking a fine line these days and I'm not sure how to snap out of it.

You know, as much shit as I gave her, I don't think I gave A enough credit. She was one of the first girls I've met out here that I could be the "real" me with. I never realized how important that was...

Until now.