Off The Wagon

Perhaps I was a bit too hasty in my last post. Perhaps I was to blame a little bit more. Perhaps I was just an idiot, I don't know...

You know, it's been awhile since I've really broken up with someone, like seriously broke up. Not just stopped screwing someone. It feels exactly how I remember it when I was back in high school. Like someone reached into your chest and started squeezing your heart until you couldn't breathe. I feel like a lifetime movie. I'm eating cake and not exercising at all (which is totally unlike me when i'm on hiatus). I'm watching hours and hours of television and not leaving my room. I've only left a couple of times and that was under duress per a friend's gentle insistence. I'm listening to sappy emo music on repeat. Just my luck Lifehouse came out with a new album the day before we broke up. At least I have that. lol.

Today was the worst I think because it's been a week and now I've fallen off the proverbial wagon. I haven't showered now for 2 days. I can't bear to even go outside. I always thought I was invincible and no girl could get to me again. I mean even if she did it wouldn't mean anything but I'm starting to think I was wrong. I underestimated how much you got under my skin. Even M.N. noticed you did. There's a reason you did and I wish I'd just accepted that.

You know last week when you asked me what I wanted, I was so proud, so stubborn in that moment that I just kept telling you what YOU thought. (or at least what I thought you thought) And I wonder, had I just been honest with you in that moment might things be different? I keep wondering where my last chance was and I'm starting to realize that that was it. I was just too stubborn to see it.

God what the hell happened to me? Breaking up was the right thing to do to stop the fighting because that was gonna drive us over the edge, but I'm starting to wonder if not having you in my life anymore was worth the price. Not getting to hang out with you or call you. Wondering if I'm allowed to im you or email you or if it's too soon or what. Not being able to hold you at night or to kiss you on the forehead when you're upset. Not being able to listen to you yammer on 5 miles an hour about whatever hypochodriac problem is plaguing you that day. (lolol) Not being able to joke with you or laugh with you. God I do miss your laugh.

The thing that sux the most, that makes this all even harder, is that I think I may have lost one of my best friends out here. I know you say you want to start over and be friends again and blah blah blah but the bond that I formed with you, the friendship we made, in my mind, may never return, at least not the way it was.

And for that I am truly sorry...