Third Acts And Loose Ends...

I fell asleep last night with my computer. Not that that's different from any other night but...anyways I was dreaming, about you I think. I'm not sure. I mean, I never saw your face but I felt your presence and I could smell your scent. You always did smell good. As I was walking through this misty, foggy place I heard the faint chime of my gchat. It kept dinging, incessantly. I tried to ignore it but it was so insistent. As I struggled to open my eyes and fiddle with the trackpad to pull my gmail screen up, my vision was still blurry and I could barely make out your name. As my eyes began to focus I couldn't believe it was you. I practically froze right there. I was sure I'd missed you but you kept writing, not knowing I was there and thinking you were alone.

When I finally responded you seemed shocked to say the least. I don't think you expected me to answer and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I should have. Don't get me wrong, I'd been waiting for days for you to initiate a convo with me and here it was. But I knew it'd probably make things difficult for me. But I also knew if I didn't respond I'd be just as sad if not more; for all I've really wanted these past few days was to talk to you. I didn't care what it was about. I just wanted to talk to my A-bomb. I know, I know you're not mine anymore, maybe you never were.

When I realized you wanted to talk and I saw my phone light up I hesitated to answer it. I was so nervous. Like you, I was worried about saying the wrong thing or upsetting you. We've been in this constant state of fear the last few months that neither of us knew/knows what's appropriate anymore. As I picked up the phone and heard your voice, a smile played across my lips and I could hardly contain myself. I felt like I could breathe again. The breathing only lasted a second seeing as I then launched into a lame-ass panic attack. (God can I be any more dramatic? lol)

After my freak out we actually got to talk and joke and laugh. You laughed A, I finally got to hear your laugh again and as cheesy as this sounds I couldn't have been happier. :-) But in addition to your laughter, I also heard you cry. And even though it's good to know you miss me, I hate that you're hurting. As much as it sucks, I can still read you and last night you were "guarded." (to use your word) I know why and you should be.

I asked you if you were scared of us being friends again and me being in your life again as your friend and you said "no." You posed the same question to me and I said yes but I couldn't elaborate. I had to sleep on it, to think about my answer, to figure out what it was I was really afraid of and this is what I've come up with...

I'm scared that I might always love you. I'm scared that I'll always want to touch you when we're around each other, that when I sit next to you I'll brush my hand up against yours and not be able to think clearly. I'm scared that I'll always want to kiss you, that I'll look at you and not be able to look away because you are so beautiful. I'm scared that I'll always want you and that no one will ever be able to replicate the way I felt when we were together like that. I've been with my share of girls, that is true, but none of them were like you, it was different with you. It was like my first time all over again and for that I will always be grateful to you. You gave me something I'd lost, the ability to love and to be loved by someone else. R.M. stole that from me years ago and even though I've had gf's since my encounter with her, I've never really let myself go. You were the only one who got close. We are the same, so much so that you know me better than I know myself.

Despite my behavior and my age and my experience I've never had a completely functional relationship. I've always had girls who I made out with or crazy gf's whose idea of love was arguing and picking fights and chasing after me and making me chase them. They fed into my hero complex and wanted me to rescue them. So in all honesty I guess I thought that's how it was supposed to be, that's how you proved your love. Which is stupid I know but it's what I know. I was worried that my behavior had proven to me that I hadn't changed, that after all these years I was exactly the same. But that's not true. Last night's convo and yesterday's gchat showed me that I'm not. The old me would've stuck to her guns and stayed out of your life, no matter how much it would hurt me. Not talking to you last week and listening to your voice last night I just... losing your friendship was not a price I was willing to pay.

I can pretend that I could live without you A, and I will if I have to but... You're my best friend here and I want you back. Yes I still love you, that's apparent from this teen angst ridden love letter I just wrote. (lol) but I know we don't work and I'd rather have your friendship than nothing at all.

I know you're trying to find yourself here and learn who you are without me and I respect that. I want you to have that. I want you to have everything you've ever wanted, everything you've ever dreamed of. I don't want to stand in the way of that. But if in your travels you have some time to stop, I hope you think of me for a moment and know that I will always be there for you. No matter where life takes us, or who we're with, nothing will ever break the bond we formed so quickly. (despite my protestations to the contrary when I'm angry. :p)

I knew when I first met you there was something. You said the same thing. Whether that "something" was bffls or something more intimate, I can't say.

Only time will tell and fate will lead the way...