Anyways I just kept walking in circles. I was looking for something. I didn't know what it was at first. It was like I knew but I'd forgotten and it was always at the tip of my tongue. So I walked and walked and ran and followed "signs." It occurred to me that these "signs" were all so similar. They were leading me to a person, a girl of course but I didn't know which one.
Finally, I came to what seemed to be a 4-way stop and depending on which way I chose I would find one of you. After all this time and all my supposed "progress" I still didn't know which way to go, which path to choose. If I went straight I'd find the girl who set me on this path in the first place, the one who made me into who I am today. If I went left I'd find the girl who helped me realize my dreams of writing and music and inspired me to pursue them. If I went back the way I came I'd just continue to be lost and alone. But if I went right, I'd find you, my dopelganger in every way but just too young. So many choices, so many mistakes and missed opportunities...but here was my chance to see what my life would be like if I'd chosen differently, correctly.
As I stood there feeling confused and powerless, it began to rain. I sat down on the ground, and as i felt the rain pelt my face and soak through my coat, I still couldn't move. I knew I had to make a decision soon. 2 of you have rings on your fingers and those trips down the aisle are fast approaching. And if I'm to be there to share those special days with you I have to know. What did our future hold before I chose the paths we're on? Where did it lead? And If I'd chosen differently would we still be here?
I stared in each direction, willing my mind to make a choice. I didn't care which one at this point I just needed something to drive me, something to make me continue, a reason. Before I could choose you appeared. You were a bit older but even more beautiful than you are now. Naturally, I hit on you because even in my dreams I'm a womanizer. You shook your head and laughed and told me it was time to begin.
I was confused by your comment and asked you to elaborate. You didn't. You just smiled and gestured toward the 4-way intersection. The Phish song "Secret Smile" began to play and I knew things were about to get trippy. I stared at you and then at the paths before me and inferred that I wasn't supposed to choose one, I was supposed to follow all 4. I realized something else in that moment as well. "This isn't to help me choose is it?" "No. The choices have already been made, the outcome decided. This is to help you make sense of it all, to move forward so as not to waste another 10 years of your life waiting for the Gods to grant you a do-over. There are no do-overs in life."
I was afraid. You sounded like a fuckin' fortune cookie! You could see I was freaking out and you took my hands and said, "trust me, Cort", before you disappeared. It's not one of my strong suits but despite all that has happened, you've always told me the truth, even when you probably should've held back. You always tell me the truth. You've never lied to me. So I did. I began walking down the 1st path, with that song still playing in the background like I was in a movie or something.
I didn't know what I would see but I knew you, and that was enough...
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