10 Years Later...

You knew I'd blog about it the first minute I had. I was waiting for the alcohol to leave my system and my brain to process everything.

It's been a long time since we've been together where alcohol was involved. I think because when there's that much, we lose control. And if there's one thing we both hate, it's losing control, especially around each other. I tried to play it cool last night, to steer clear of you, not bring up the past. I mean you're married now, you have a life that's completely separate from me. But it was you who started it, it was you who instigated it. You kissed me. And although you said it meant nothing, I think you're lying. You pulled that card when we were teenagers and yet here we are again. I think the Latin phrase is true, "in vino est veritas". "In wine there is truth." You've always been the most truthful and honest with me when you've had a few drinks. Not necessarily drunk but enough to loosen you up. You see for me, it's always been you but I somehow forgot that in a lot of ways, for you, it has always been me. I'm the one person who you knew would love you no matter what. I would always come to your rescue. I was willing to do anything, to be...anything, for you. I've tried to fight it and I've tried to ignore it but I can't. And what's worse is you know I can't, but you bait me anyways. It's funny because I should be mad at you but I'm not. You reacted exactly how I thought you would. And as nice as it was, I know you.

And you always were a coward...

Wedding Day Blues

It's 11:05pm on October 16th, 2010. (2:05am your time) By now you've already walked down the aisle, said your "I do's" and are probably starting your honeymoon. I spent all day trying to distract myself, the gym, a play, a drink...anything to keep my mind off of it. But all I can do is sit here, listening to the same song over and over again while drinking a vodka soda. On the plus side at least it's finally over. On the bad side, I feel just like I did the night you texted me to tell me you were engaged. It hurts, because I still feel like, it should've been me...

But sometimes we have to let things go, no matter how much we love them. And it's in those moments we realize, that sometimes,

It's just not meant to be...

Chicken or Beef?

You know it's funny, I was at work today and I was trying to grab a Werther's out of the candy jar and instead I found a Rolo. Now, I haven't had one of those in awhile. When I saw it though, all I could think of was you. I moved it between my fingers and stared at it a couple of minutes, then stuck it in my desk and went back to work.

Earlier I was recounting a story to my mom about us and last night I was explaining to a friend who you were in my life. It's like the world has conspired against me to think about you non-stop for the last few days and I know why. Hell, I've been dreading it the last few weeks. It's a sad thing when you look back and remember what might have been or even what should've been, whether that be the love of your life slipping away, or a friendship lost.

When I got home today I opened my mailbox. And as if my day couldn't get any worse, there it was. Dramatic as it sounds, it was the only piece of mail in there. I debated whether or not to open it, wondered if I could. I did everything I could to distract myself from it., but it just kept staring at me from the coffee table, so finally I had to do it. It was just as I'd expected, simple but elegant.

What makes this even more funny is I've been trying to write our story, but I can never quite figure out the ending. I know what I wanted to have happen and I know what would happen in reality but I can never meld those together to make a believable ending. Maybe now I can.

Once again, I sit here with a drink in my hand, a vodka gimlet on the rocks to be exact, wondering two things. One, would I still be the girl I am now, had I never kissed you? And two...

...chicken or beef?

Sleepless Nights...

Who am I? Who are you? When did the future become the present? When did my dreams become reality? When did I lose my naivete, my innocence? Will I ever get it back? Do I want it back? Which brings us back to the first question.

...Who am I?

I Want The Fairytale

So, it's done. The wedding has come and gone and here I stand. I don't know what I feel. I mean I'm happy for her, I really am. But I can't lie, it was a little bittersweet, and I was a bit jealous. But not for the reasons you'd think. Mostly because she found what I've been searching for my whole life, true love. That deliriously happy, only found in fairytales, kind of love. That running through the rain to catch someone, standing on top of a coffee cart, holding a boombox outside someone's window kinda love. Something I thought I saw in her and me, or me and RM, or me and MT. It's funny to me because like she said in her vows "she never believed in love at first sight." She's right, she never did, "until she met her wife." That was her soulmate. I felt it when she first told me about her and how they were just new friends and again when she told me they were dating. I always knew she'd marry her, and after I met this girl, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. They were made for each other. I want that, I want to be made for someone. I want to WANT to put someone other than myself and my job first. I want to WANT to be willing to give it all up for love.

When I was driving to the wedding I kept asking myself what I'd do if I showed up and she changed her mind. If she told me she wanted to be with me or wanted me to stay an extra day for us to figure out some stuff, would I stay? And every time, no matter how I looked at it, I always said "no." Even if it was clear I'd end up with her, I always said no and got on that plane. I always chose MM and my career. I never chose her. I knew right then, that she wasn't "the one," she never was. I always write and preach fairytale love and happy endings and sacrificing for love but I never actually do it. I want to feel something like that. I don't know that I ever have. I think I thought I did but I never actually have.

I just want what she has. A was right, I can only live on the "day-to-day" girls for so long. Eventually it'll blow up in my face. I seem to be walking a fine line these days and I'm not sure how to snap out of it.

You know, as much shit as I gave her, I don't think I gave A enough credit. She was one of the first girls I've met out here that I could be the "real" me with. I never realized how important that was...

Until now.

Boston or Vegas?

It's May 10th and I find myself contemplating whether or not I should get some friends together and hit Vegas for a weekend, or go to a friend's wedding. Normally the answer would be simple, I'd go to the wedding right? But not this time. This time the wedding is for a very close ex. She's a close friend and I love her dearly but I can't quite decide if I should go through the hassle of going to the wedding.

On the one hand I do want to go and I also feel like I should go, that I'll regret it if i don't. But on the other hand I don't want to go through all the BS of traveling and red-eyes, and security screenings, and dress shopping, and shoe shopping, etc all for one day. But I would get to see the munchkin as well as be there for one of my closest friends.

She said that she'd understand if I couldn't make it but she would be sad if I wasn't there.

I'm so torn...

I was finally able to watch "Whip It" today...

and that's how I knew, I'm finally getting over you.

And boy am I glad because I've really been wanting to watch that movie again. lol.