My Hero

I came home to Boston a few days ago and it's weird how everything is different but yet still the same. Everyone has grown up so much but when we all get together it's like we're still in high school just with a better fashion sense. I came home with the intentions of doing a few things and I've taken care of just about everything I needed to, talked to the people I needed to and steered clear of the people I shouldn't see.

Since this is probably my last entry of 2009 I'm trying to think of something interesting or pertinent to say about my life. Or perhaps show what I've learned about myself this past year. I guess the two most important things that have changed in me are due in part to the same person. First and foremost I've learned how to be an adult, how to start taking responsibility for my own life. It's taken me a long time to do this. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm coddled or maybe it's sheer laziness on my part. Whatever the reason I've learned that it's unacceptable and I have the means and the intelligence to take care of myself.

The second thing I learned is that I can feel something for another human being again without it completely taking over my life. I can be happy with her and without her. I can have my life and also let her be a part of it. My happiness isn't dependant upon her, it's just enhanced by being with her. She changed me, made me a better version of myself. She's a mix of M.V. and S.M. She is the superhero of girlfriends.

So those are the 2 things I learned this year...

That and I guess I do "sleepovers" now. :-)

Thinking is Stupid

I wish I knew what my future held. I wish I wasn't constantly surprised by people or the things they do. I wish I'd never given in to you. I wish we'd never met. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face and say "self, don't do this. It's a bad idea and you know it. She's not ready. She's a newbie and newbies are never good. They're scared and confused. They're convinced they're not like you when in fact they are. They run from the obvious and push away the truth. Stay away from her self!! Stay away!!"

But I can't go back and I can't pretend none of it ever happened. It did happen and I'm paying for that mistake dearly. I'm laying outside on the patio in the sun with a hoodie covering my head and wishing I had my sunglasses so I could further hide from the world. What happened to me? When did I become such a pussy? Did you make me weak? I think you did. How is it possible to go from being so happy and content to feeling like utter shit? I'm sad and angry. I miss you and I hate you. I want to be your friend and I wish I'd never met you. I feel like a fucking schizophrenic. I'm dreading tomorrow because I know we have to see each other and pretend like everything's hunky dory and then at the end of the day go home alone and pretend we don't miss each other.

It's been a week since we broke up and clearly I'm spiraling. I will recover though and I will go back to my life, I always do. But what about you? What will your life hold? Will you continue to pretend? Not just with me but with everyone. Will you continue to act like you're doing this for my own good and that you don't feel anything when we're together?

I guess my real question is, when will you stop thinking so much and start living your life? I know you're thinking I should be saying the same thing to myself and I am. My answer to that is, I thought I already was...

Serendipity

I don't know when it happened, when my life finally started to make sense. I feel like I'm actually moving through life with a purpose. My job matters, I matter. I'm an important part of someone's life again. They miss me when I'm not around and I miss them. It's weird.

When I came back from the wedding I was all fucked up. M ruined me. She ruined me 5 years ago and then she ruined me again. It was like I couldn't breathe but then I came back to LA and the newbie was there waiting for me. M told me I liked newbie that it was written all over my face, but I shrugged it off. It wasn't until I returned and you read me like a book that I knew I was done for. I tried to fight it, tried to ignore it but I just couldn't. With everyone around me telling me it was a good idea and that you were the perfect match for me how could I not test it out? I chickened out when the shit got real but in the end I realized taking a chance was worth it, that you are worth it.

I wasn't looking for you, I wasn't looking for any of this but yet here you are; ready and willing. But do I deserve it? Do I deserve another chance? That I don't know nor do I know where this is all going but here I am, ready to take a leap with you, ready to take a chance on love again.

You told me you don't know how to fall in love and I told you I'm not even sure if I can fall in love again, but the more time I spend with you, the more I hope I'm wrong....

Questions

When did it happen? Where did the time go? I keep looking back wondering how we got here.I was talking to Ami today and it's just so weird to see how far we've all come. It took a few years but we've all managed to scatter across the Globe. Eddie in Scotland, Molly in Baltimore, Ami in Chicago, and me in Cali.

Somehow none of this seems real to me. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. It shouldn't have been this easy for me. Why was I the lucky one? There's plenty of other people who want it more or deserve it more than me right? I guess since I lost you the fates decided to give me something. If I can't have love than I should at least be able to have a career right?

You know I ask myself if I'd give this new life up for anything, for anyone? If you asked me to come back to Boston and walk away from my dream would I do it? I'd like to think so, especially since I always preach and write about true love and blah blah blah. But if I'm honest with myself, truly honest, I don't think I would. I love it that much, I love writing that much. It'll always be my number one. And even though I go days, weeks, months even, without writing I know that I can always come back to it. It'll always be there no matter what.

Can I say the same about you?

Leave Me Paralyzed...

I got a picture text from you today. I couldn't open it at first but somehow I knew what it said. I don't know how but I did.

You're engaged. Well congratulations, it's about time. I've been waiting for that knife to pierce my heart and now that it has I can finally be done, right?

To be honest I don't even know what to say. I mean I expected it, hell I've been waiting for this moment but now that it's here I can't think, can't speak, can't move. All I can see are those three words lighting up my iPhone screen, "we r engaged". As soon as I read that I felt my stomach muscles tighten, my jaw clench, and my eyes slowly close. I immediately left the office and went to the bathroom. I tried to catch my breath but I couldn't. All I could do was kneel down on the floor as I watched a thousand little moments from our past play in my head.

And as I sit here playing with the condensation on my glass, that only moments ago held a vodka on the rocks, I realized something,

It should've been me...

Happiness

If someone had told me 10 years ago I'd be working in tv or film and be working for my Hollywood idol, I would've laughed in their face.

It's a funny thing when you start to see your dreams come true, when you realize that goal you've been chasing is starting to take shape.

It's like a race. I'm not at the finish line and I won't be there for awhile, but I'm not at beginning either. I'm in the middle..I'm halfway there.

Although I don't think I'll ever truly be happy. How could I be when everything comes back to her?

I'm only happy when I'm miserable. It suits me. Most people don't get me. I mean they get PARTS of me but never all, never all.

Ghosts

I talked to H last night and started to open up a little about myself, about who I really am. I'm one person at MM and another at the clubs and another at home and so on and so forth. It's getting hard to keep track of which persona is real...

I told him about my new story, the one about me, her, and the one that got away. What I didn't tell him (although I'm sure he knows) is that I still think about both of them and wonder what might have been. If I had it to do over, would I have chosen differently or would I make the same mistake twice?

It's the "what if's" that get me! They're what kill me, what drive me...

They're what haunt me....